Paranoid

par·a·noid

adj.

1. Relating to, characteristic of, or affected with paranoia.

2. Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others: a paranoid suspicion that the phone might be bugged.

Meaning of paranoid from freedictionary.com

Paranoid. 

I can say that i used to have this. To be exact, the no 2 meaning. Irrational fear or distrust of others.

Why? Due to bad experience i would say.

And the effect is still remain until now.

I do have the feeling of distrust on others. I'm not easy to convince and not easy to trust people.

Reason being, being cheated too many times taught me to be more cautious.

Cautious with people i deal with. With people i fall in love with.

Even i wanted so much to give 100% trust, but the paranoia inside me tell me not to.

Cant convince myself though.

Because i do believe there are still evil in people. 

Doesn't mean that person is good he or she wont stab you from the back right?

Keep telling myself.

I don't need another heartbreak. I cant face another drama. I don't want to start over again.

I need to lose this paranoia.

I need to build myself strong.

I must ensure i wont be defeated by my own feeling.

I need to rise from the fall.

People will assume everything is ok.

But they don't know the story behind my smile. Behind my happy face.

Cause i don't intend to share it.

I can face all this alone.

I can throw away my past, my very bad past. 

I want to be free.

Free from this paranoia.

Till then.

Love,

Puteri